When I thought about doing this I didn't expect the first post would be about immediate loss. Sadly this is the case as a few nights ago my dear old Grandad passed away. The poor guy had been suffering with late stage Alzheimer's and had recently broken his hip. The hip injury seemed to speed things up and in a way I'm comforted he is no longer suffering. He managed to score well into his 90's but unfortunately Alzheimer's took most of the best of him over the past few years and all those lifetime of precious memories.
What a cruel disease. You have a lifetime of memories and it all gets taken away from you at an age when I suspect you do most of your reflecting. I cant imagine what its like, living in a shell with just total confusion day after day. It's also rough on everyone else. My Nan in particular has had a rough time. The insecurity and financial impact is bad enough but then there is the worrying about care and the daunting decision to have to leave that to someone else. There must come a time where we can at least begin to have a conversation about how we allow people to suffer with this disease. There are obviously good people working hard for people like my Grandad but we have to be able to do more. The right to die with dignity would be a welcome gift for some.
Anyway, that seems a little deep and away from where I want to go to with this. See loss is a difficult thing but this feels different to losing Hannah. Its less raw, somewhat expected, and i'm genuinely thankful he is no longer suffering. Maybe my perception to death has changed, maybe i'm still in some stage of shock, or maybe losing a Grandparent is an expected life landmark for those of us lucky enough to have them. To be completely honest over all I just feel a complete sense of pride. That doesn't mean I haven't shed a few tears. Looking back on memories during grief has a way to fill your heart and crush you all at the same time. That happens to me daily. I guess what I am trying to say is that I just feel honored one of the finest men I have ever met held me when I was a new born baby, sang to me and read to me as I got older, fed me an abundance of sweets, took me places with him with a sense of pride I drew from and taught me endless lessons. He watched me grow up, saw me become a teenager, and somewhat of an adult, and eventually a Father. He held both of my children, saw me get Married and loved me through it all.
I've been so fortunate to have had a great childhood and be surrounded by people who loved me. No more so than my Grand Parents, sadly I now only have one left. My Grandad was born in Anfield in Liverpool. He served in the Merchant Navy, something he would be more than willing to tell you about, and had an almost stellar memory of where every single bomb and bullet landed in the City during the Second World War. I'm barely exaggerating and I can even tell you of several myself I've heard them that many times. The term Gentleman is a bit under used these days but that's what he was, a kind and courteous Gentleman and he seemed to know everyone. He had a loving sense of humour, always had a joke or two at hand (questionable quality at times) and had a deep laugh that would ring through the room.
I remember we used to walk up to Huyton village for the Echo (the local newspaper) and it would take hours as we would stop and talk to everyone we met. "Hello John" they would say seemingly not at all bothered the conversation was going to take up the best part of the next hour of their life, before we moved on to the next one. I'm partly joking obviously, but I always got introduced as number 1 Grandson. It's fair really, I was the first, and although i'm sure he was listing us in order of arrival I secretly loved being number one in his eyes. He would always have a bag of sweets in his big coat pocket and would slip a couple out to keep me going but they always seemed to be Liquorice Allsorts and only about 50% of those sweets are actually nice. Funny the lovely things you remember and the things you forget.
At some point along the way he also acquired this old boat and it sat on their drive way for years and years. I'm sure he had intentions to take it out on the high seas but it just became a play ground for us kids. We went to some wondrous places in it. He would make us swords out of wood and we would play on this thing for hours and hours until Nan called us in for another batch of Banana Butties (a buttered sandwich with sliced banana - don't knock it till you've tried it, the 80's were a lot of fun). He was always doing odd jobs, hanging up a ladder, building something or repairing something. He had a shed and garage that was a bit like Narnia. There was every tool you could possibly never need and i'm sure if you ventured in too far you would find a half man half horse person called Mr Tumnus. He was well into his 80s one day I was there and Nan needed the gutters clearing out and nominated me to do it. Honestly, I'm not a ladder kind of guy, and I would normally find some other victim. Before I could protest he was already up there leaning over and holding onto the ladder, in his 80's. Shame on me hey? Later he started flying model planes and I walked in once to see this giant wing taking up the whole kitchen, I just chuckled to myself knowing how much it must be driving Nan up the wall.
He was a big fan of the Navy and seemed to have visited every single place in the world. I've been a regular global traveler through work and I was always surprised at the amount of places he could recall. When we moved to Canada he always kept asking about Halifax every time I spoke to him, I guess that was the Alzheimer's kicking in but for sure he'd been before. I suppose I may have got that sense of adventure from him.
He was heavily involved in the Sea Cadets for at least as long as I can remember and spent pretty much every Tuesday and Thursday night there. He used to take me of course, they had a tuck shop I got to take advantage of and we always seemed to play football whenever I went so that was always fine with me. He would spend ages getting ready though, it was a mission and you had to at least try to use the bathroom before he went in, kind of like before you start a long car journey. I suppose its the sense of pride he took in his role and appearance.
The old Sea Cadet building in Huyton was starting to be run down when they started building a new facility. I say they, it feels like Grandad built it with his own hands. He was always swinging by to do some job that needed doing. I think that was one thing he really hated having to give up. It was his passion, he loved helping people, he loved kids and he loved the Navy. It was perfect for him. I'd like to think TS Iron Duke would do something to honor his service but his legacy will be all the kids to have benefited and will benefit in the future. I'm sure there are many adults that still think fondly of him for their childhood. Its important kids have things like that to do, we had youth clubs as kids and it kept us busy and out of trouble. People who devote their time to such causes are invaluable to the communities they live.
The last time I think he remembered me was back in early 2017. I was home for work and called in to see them as a surprise. He was obviously struggling by then and I remember giving him a kiss on his forehead and telling him I loved him as I left and wondering if that was the last time I would see him again. I saw him recently when the disease was ripe, it was heartbreaking to see but I wont remember him like that - I have a lifetime of memories to love him by.
Some favorite memories are of his piano playing. He was a fine pianist. He could play by ear and rattle off all sorts of songs - I never heard him play the Beatles though, wrong era I guess. We actually bought Hannah a keyboard for her seventh Birthday shortly before she was diagnosed as she was developing a love for music. There's a small part of me that imagines them somewhere, her snuggled up on the piano stool with him, as he plays and sings, and I can picture the look on her face as she watches with admiration (there are those tears again). Whatever comes after this life, I guess there is a part of me allowing me some comfort in knowing he might be in the same place and taking care of her. At least his disease saved him from worrying about Hannah.
"There's our best girl" indeed.
How lucky we all we all were for him.
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