We have had quite a fun weekend. It was little too boozy to be honest but we spent time with some friends and family and it was my Sisters Birthday on Saturday so we took her out for drinks and made sure she had a good time. We know from past experience the opportunities for her to kick back will be few and far between since Alyssa's diagnosis so it was a prime opportunity to hang out before she starts her treatment.
On Sunday we where at a BBQ. I'll be honest I was feeling a little worse for wear. During the morning we saw one of the Mums we met at Proton had posted on Facebook that her beautiful girl had sadly passed away. We new it was going to happen at some point but it still hits you like a wall of pain. Every time I hear something like that it will rock me to my core. I wrote her Mum a little message of support and sat outside in the sunshine alone with my thoughts for a little while.
I had posted only a few days before about September being Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. This felt like the ultimate in cruelty of this god awful bastard of a disease. It's been hard to see all the gold profile pictures to be honest and I know Kate has barely been on her social media the last few days.
It can feel so unfair and quite honestly lonely at times. Not from a sense bitterness but people move on and life goes on and sometimes that can feel so unjust. This week in particular to see all the pictures of your kids first day at school. I love to see them but that doesn't mean somewhere inside it hurts. Childhood cancer awareness is about those of us who have been through it wanting you all to know how it can all be taken away from you so quickly, we want you to know how really, really, shitty it all is, and we want you to know how much more needs to be done. We don't want those next in line to suffer too - in a blink of an eye - it could be you.
Still, please, please, please keep it up, the more people talk about childhood cancer the better. People have to understand in order to help things improve.
Anyway, news of this little girl and all of this got me thinking about all the people we have met and how different they all are. I thought about our situation and how all our situations are all slightly different. The diseases were all slightly different and the symptoms each of the kids had was different. So were their ages and sex. How they got to where they where was all different. Who they were with, who was missing, it was all different and yet, each and every single person we have met has left us humbled and inspired. I cant compliment them any more than that.
No more so than this little girls Mummy.
When we went to Jacksonville for Proton treatment we were still very much shell shocked and terrified and wondering how we were going to make it through the six weeks of treatment. We left wondering how we were going to make it through a day at home without all these other families we had met. It was the most therapeutic experience I had. I still draw from it now.
You see some of these people were months and years into treatment. Some peoples kids could not walk. One families child was confined to a chair. Another families kid had lost the ability to walk because of disease and chemotherapy. Some of the kids had facial changes because of their disease. Some of them had lost hair - something we hadn't dealt with yet and were terrified about - and their kids were just fine. They all played, they sat and did crafts, they talked and smiled and laughed and joked. All spurned on by their parents who, although probably were struggling, showered them with love.
So after meeting and sharing stories with these people, and it might seem strange now, we actually realized we were quite lucky really. Sure, luck didn't really become a part of our journey at all after Protons. But, we looked at these families and we shared stories and we watched how they dealt with their amazing children and we drew from that. Months down the line we channeled that same determination and courage as we carried Hannah to the bathroom and as we gave her endless meds at all times of day and night. When things were falling apart for us seemingly at every step it was all those people we had met that gave us strength to keep going. That courage, that love, it inspired and gave us strength. Especially on the really dark days.
This girls Mummy in particular had traveled to Protons on her own. She had two Daughters with her, one the same age as Hannah having treatment and another a similar age to Nora. She went about her business seemingly like a machine. It was incredible to watch them walk to chemo admissions, to each Proton treatment and all with what seemed a smile on her face.
Kate and I were lucky, we had each other and we played and shared different roles a lot of the time. But it was still so incredibly exhausting at times. So to see these people, and this Mum in particular, powering through gave us hope we could manage too. I'm sure they will probably say the same thing about us.
See, cancer doesn't discriminate. Childhood cancer isn't selective of whether you are married or are single or whether you have one, two, three or six kids. Whether you have kids with separate partners. It wont care whether your kids can read or write or how well they do at school. Whether you are in a well paid job or you struggle to get by most days. When you encounter normal people from different walks of normal life and you encounter them all doing remarkable things it has a powerful effect on you. You experience kindness, you feel courage, you taste hope and you absorb it all and honestly, in some small weird way, you are thankful for that.
Above all else though, you experience love. Love like you've never seen.
When I think of this Mummy and her little girl, and my Hannah and us, and all the other families we have met. The biggest thing that screams out more than anything is love. These people couldn't do all the remarkable things they all they do without it. After the deep sadness of reading her post and sitting on my own for a while that was the thought I had left, love. You can give a child no greater gift than loving them and there is no more time to display that than as their little bodies are crumbling and your heart is breaking itself. You love them through everything you do for them and you love them just by being right by their side.
In a really strange way Childhood Cancer teaches you, even in what seems such an unfair and heart breaking situation, life is a bit of a level playing field when you realize love is the most priceless gift of all. If only more people realized.
So this little girls Mummy should be so proud of her beautiful girl, but also herself, she gave her baby everything she ever needed.
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