Bad news seems to be everywhere

It feels like we are surrounded by awful news involving kids and their lovely parents lately. It just feels everywhere and its completely suffocating at times.

Just this past month some friends we met during Hannah's proton treatment have had the news their gorgeous little girl has relapsed and they have had to face surgery and now intense radiation again with more debilitating treatment and a grossly uncertain future.

Then on Monday just as I was boarding a flight for work I found out a colleagues four year old boy had sadly passed away. I knew he was critically ill. I'd messaged earlier in the month once I found out and heard they were in PICU (THE worst place for a Parent to be) and offered support and an ear to talk to should he need it. It absolutely crushed me finding out he had passed and I sat on a flight for several hours alone with my thoughts. It's just so sad and heart breaking knowing others are having to go through similar things we have been through so far.

This was after having my Niece over all weekend in between her own Proton treatment and playing with a six year old girl worn by chemo and with no hair. It was strange having her over. Tucking two kids into bed and reading a bed time story to two of them was a little tricky but, honestly, despite my brain over thinking it all I loved having her and it was nice to do little things with an older child that I miss so much.

She talks about Hannah a lot. Clearly Hannah was a big influence on her and she wants to do all the things Hannah did. "Can I sleep in Hannah's bed?" as an example. Difficult but a little heart warming all at the same time. She does, and says all of these with a smile on her face and so how can that not warm your heart a little. She was good for us these last two weekends.

Still, all of this, this recurrent nightmare I just cant understand any of it. I have no clue how this all happens, why it even happens or seemingly why i'm so fond of all these people it happens to. Its all just so cruel. This year has been truly awful. I'm ready to see the back of it but then also feel guilty of those thoughts because the new year feels like another milestone and another good bye.

On the flight I sat alone with my thoughts. I messaged a few people and messaged my colleague to again offer an ear and to honestly just send a little bit of hope. On the flight I thought long and hard about everything but I realized my views on it are changing a little. I'd run through memories several months ago and i'd be teary. This time it was different. There was a deep sadness to it but I think i'm analyzing it more and trying to rationalize pieces of it and its becoming ever so slightly less emotional. I feel calmer in all honesty. Not that any of it is easy to re run through, that's a long long way off, if ever. But i'm able to run through more and more without reaching a breaking point.

I've tried to think why this is. Only a few weeks ago I was really nervous about Christmas, I still am, but not as bad as I was. I've already told you about the tree decorations in Target and how crazy that was. Yet I don't know whether this is an evolution of my grief or a protective thing I, or we, have as people. I know for example when Kate has a bad day I feel calmer and able to help her, at least quite a bit of the time, and I think she has the same feelings. She also can tell when i'm having one of those moments. One was earlier and Nora wanted some toys of Hannah's to play with. I gave them to her, but then stood looking at the toys for a moment, each one containing a story or memory and I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. Kate knew what was going through my head.

See the protection thing is strange. In the days after Hannah passed I went for a few beers with my Dad and Father in law and I had this real calmness about me. It's strange, almost like you have arms around your shoulders. Anyway, we were drinking and my Dad was clearly having a bad day and time of it. After some long heart to hearts I told him I about how calm I felt and that I had a weird feeling I was being supported through that day in order to be there for him. At that point I looked past him. Now, I have been in this bar, lets just say once or twice, and there was one banner for a type of beer and it was Hofbrau beer. It looked like the image below and as you can see it contains a 'HB'. Hannah Barry. I swear I had never seen it there before. I shook my head at it and warmly laughed inside but these little things are happening more and more and I fell that strange calmness again now.

Whether it is because I am naturally being protective of other people or something else. My parents are coming next week for Christmas, my Sister has been here and I obviously have my Family. Yet I honestly can feel something and the more this stuff happens to me the more I am gaining faith its some weird universe thing and my little girl is still very much with us.

I definitely over think a lot of the time. My mind rarely shuts off and its only Music and Sport that gives me mind rest in all honesty. I'm naturally skeptical, probably the biggest skeptic I know but this is my reality and this is how I feel and ultimately you can only challenge that so much. Maybe bias is allowing me to feel this way. But I feel it, I feel her, and I like it.

People often comment on our strength but I don't really like it when people praise us. Strength and life is all retaliative to what you are faced with in my opinion and in my experience we are capable of remarkable things when we are forced to. We have no choice but to keep going on because that is all there is to do. It;s not easy, some days its damn hard even to get out of bed, but you can do it. We have to.

So when I think of these Dad's going through these awful times with their Families I know it wont be easy. There will be really tough days, but they will get through it. They will get through all they have to because they, not only are good people, but they are capable of remarkable things. Remarkable people doing remarkable things has become the positive within all of these desperately sad stories we are surrounded by. I can tell how much love they have for their Families and that will stand them in good stead. We'll all inspire each other.

Search for the hope and hold it close - it may not feel like it at times but it is there.

Please keep my friends and their families in your thoughts. x