Christmas

It's been a weird month. We were so fearful of Christmas looming and all the memories and pressures that brings. After everything we have been through it's understandable we had no clue how we were even going to face and deal with Christmas let alone enjoy it. On top of that this past month seems like its been so roller coaster. I've been busy and travelling with work then we had that episode in Target that I told you about. Our niece has been over and lately we've just been bombarded with utter devastating news.

We've talked about Christmas a few times, both of us visibly and verbally nervous about it. We were supposed to be home in the UK this year. We'd booked a big cottage for all the family to stay for Christmas week and we've had to cancel that. Ironically we booked a similar place for the Christmas when Hannah was diagnosed and had to cancel that too so it's pretty safe to say a similar booking is never going to happen again. Kate clearly wanted to be home but now my Niece is over for her treatment so it makes sense to stay. But it still doesn't make her feel any better.

Yet as we have got further into the month those fears have gone and I've actually felt calmer about it and now i'm almost looking forward to next week. It wont be easy I am sure, there will no doubt be a few tears and there will definitely be hugs a plenty, but i'm not longer fearful of Christmas. My folks fly in next week and all being well my Sister her partner and Alyssa will be with us and that warms my heart and excites me.

I came to realize over the last few days that all the pressures we put ourselves under during this time of year are crazy. None of it matters, absolutely none of it. We were in Target yesterday buying presents for Nora. We have literally not bough a thing up to this point, mostly because we didn't want to deal with it. Neither of us have been bothered or capable to even rationally think about it. Anyway, we looked at these toys and thought of Hannah and wondered what she would be asking for and then we struggled to choose things for Nora. On one isle was the 'Hannah' isle. It was full of all those 'LOL' fiddly junk things seven and eight year olds love. Once its opene they end up with a tiny toy and you end up with a room full of packaging. There were four Mums all doing the exact same thing on this isle and stressing over spending so much money on what is quite honestly garbage. Why do we do this to each other? Why do we allow such pressure to exist. Honestly it just does not matter. It might feel like it, but it doesn't.

Today I had one of those Google photo notifications inviting me to look at this day last year. This time last year we were in Hospital for weeks and only just got out on the 23rd. Some volunteers had come in and were drawing on T shirts in the Auditorium - it's basically a kids play area. Hannah loved to go down there. It got her off the ward and there was usually some crafting thing going on and it was a little time out for Mummy and Daddy. She got her love of crafting (and making a mess) from her Mum so she was well at home in there. She sat for hours helping this guy design and draw her T shirt and it was great to sit and watch her being enthralled.

This memory got me thinking about everything. This time last year was so hard, we were so tired and exhausted and under prepared. When I think back on those days I have no clue how we managed even get through it. The days were so long and tiring and our future was so uncertain. We did make it out of hospital just in time for Christmas and Christmas Day was one of the last few really good days we had together. There were more good times for sure, but Christmas Day was great.

It was the last time we saw her run. Albeit not very fast or coordinated . But that little memory of her sprinting out of the bedroom will make me smile forever. She was laughing and smiling that day and it was fun. We had spent an absolute fortune on her. Everything we thought she might like, we bought, but really it didn't matter. Some of those gifts are still unopened under her bed. She got the Lego Disney Castle and its only partially built and it was our friends Daughter who did most of that. All she needed was us and the people around her. Loving her and giving her the support and protection she needed and demanding we all had fun.

When I think of Christmases of past. I don't think about presents. I don't think about the gifts I had got or I gave. I just think about the memories, the laughter, the fun, the games, the drinks, the food and the people. Even Hannah's previous Christmases. It's memories always before things. Where we were and who we were with, way before anything else.

So why do we allow ourselves to keep putting ourselves and each other under such pressure to over deliver?

I appreciate this is a little preachy. I might feel different if we were facing Christmas all together. If Cancer hadn't steamed in and taken our girl then we would probably be stressing, spending more than we could afford and doing all we could to spoil them. But it did and so our outlook is different and our view on life is different and part of this blog is to share that with you. If you disagree with me that's fine, we are all different and all have different stories.

But honestly, it doesn't matter what we have, it doesn't matter what we give or how much we spend. It doesn't matter how big piles of presents are. What matters most of all are the memories you are making. Kindness and friendship and love is way, way, way more precious than what is essentially stuff.

Sure, if you can afford it, spoil your kids. They are worth every single penny. But if you can't buy them everything they want, then don't, and please don't punish yourself if you cant. They wont need it. Just being there for them and loving them and playing with them and enjoying every minute is all they could possibly ever need. I guarantee in years to come the memories are the only thing you will care about anyway. Take pictures, fill your house with music and laugh and joke and enjoy each other.

Life is way too short for anything else and being kind is the most powerful of all gifts. Hannah would likely tell you her favorite hospital memories were those where people were kind and when people either went above and beyond for her or volunteered their time. So if you can this coming week check in to your loved ones. Call into your family if you can. Invite a lonely neighbor or relative round or go and spend some time with them. Anything really, but please don't stress about stuff and don't punish yourself.

We haven't bought many gifts this year. But if you were to swing by our house, and you are welcome, I can guarantee you a drink, some food and a definitely a laugh or two (If you all turned up at once we might have to have a plan B but you know what I mean).

We are determined to have a good time. The music will be loud and fun. We'll sing, eat, drink, laugh and likely cry and that's the sure fire best way to honor our first Christmas without our beautiful girl. We have to channel her desire to live and use her courage to fill our hearts with hope because as I've written in the past, that is the only way to defy Cancer.

So where ever you are and who ever you are with I hope the coming week is kind to you with memories and friends and loved ones and I hope you are kind to each other.

With hope in your heart. x