Not the easiest of weeks

Its been a strange week or so. Up and down really.

We are rapidly coming up to a year since Hannah died. If i'm completely honest I'm really struggling with it. If you had asked me several weeks ago I would have told you I was doing alright. Not so much this past week or so.

Everything went down hill so fast for us it was almost like a nightmare living out at a rapid pace while you, in futile desperation, try to slow it down and hold on.

I'm not sure why its so much harder this week. We have been busy moving house this past month and work has been really busy too. Tiredness can be a trigger for bad days but this doesn't feel like a bad day in the sense of when I have written about them before. It's more of a numbing feeling where you can function fine but it's sitting there waiting to pounce. Not really like a dark cloud but more like a tornado spinning waiting for you. I'm fine, this isn't a plea for help. I'm coping with it all, its just this feels a little different to every other time.

In all probability its likely to be the fact this coming weekend falls the one year anniversary of us losing her. I cant stop thinking about it. Piecing together those memories step by step and hour by hour. Reliving the conversations with Doctors, reliving the horror of it all, reliving my desperate pleas to try and understand what was about to happen. Reliving the sheer levels of kindness and love we were shown by those at the hospital, our friends near and far, and just random people in general. The palliative care team who took such great care of us and of course those nurses who were just, well, they were absolutely perfect in every single way.

Facebook and Google have been great at keeping it all going too. Facebook memories crush you and Google's 'relive this day in 2018' from your photo's isn't exactly helpful. I read and shared one of the posts I wrote last year, it all felt so raw and real reading it.

I'm really only a moment away from breaking down in tears. Its happened a few times this week. Last Friday I had an early call with my team at work. Shortly after I looked at my phone and sure enough Google invited me to look at this day last year. I knew I shouldn't. I know when its safe to look and when its not. Up popped a picture of Hannah, Kate and I in hospital and poor Nora with her Grandparents - she must have been so confused. That led me to look at others and I broke down. Immediately went into one of those dark places. You just become so overwhelmed by absolute sadness. The tears just pour out of you. Kate saw me, came in, and we had another cuddle. I think I set her off though as I noticed her doing the same thing a short while later. She was onto the pictures and videos. I hugged her and swiped the phone to an pre diagnosis time and eventually we laughed at her. She was so funny. We were so lucky. But, its so shit what happened to her and to all of us.

It set me back. I managed to flip out of it somewhat where I was functioning but it was still there and its been there every single day since. Kate was struggling and got caught with some anxiety but we got through it. On Saturday we actually went out with Friends to a concert. I wasn't sure we were going to make it. We did, and i'm glad we did. But, we had to force ourselves.

I wonder if our friends could tell we'd had a bad couple of days? That's always been something I've always struggled to understand with mental health. How people can seemingly function and people are totally unaware they are screaming inside. Well, I understand now. We had a good time but we were both a little on edge. The concert was next to the Children's Museum and Hannah went there on her last School trip before diagnosis. You look at this building and cant but imagine your child running through there all full of life. Kate was thinking the same - we caught eyes at a similar point and did that smile. You know, where you aren't really smiling but smiling to acknowledge the shared moment.

In the end we had a good time.

There have been other moments and its like I'm only moments away from breaking down. We haven't made plans with what we are going to do on the 17th. Honestly, I don't think either of us is willing to face up to the reality its coming. We absolutely know it is but neither wants to deal with it or even thinking about facing it. I wish we could just skip this weekend and start again on Monday. I'm sure we'll figure out what to do and where to do it. Most likely the beach and the ocean sounds like a decent plan and we'll definitely do something kind. If you want to do something for us this weekend, doing something kind for someone would be much appreciated, by us, but also by Hannah I am sure.

Either way, every single hour right up to that point is going to be tough. I know it is. Like right now this time last year we were struggling with her breathing and it was approaching the moment her Doctor discussed options with us and whether we wanted her to go back to PICU - but she was fearful what they might do to her and how they will prolong her life but it would be miserable. Or whether we get her as comfortable as possible and allow her to peacefully die. It's impossible for you to imagine what that is like, unless of course you know. You are miles off in your thoughts right now. I'm sure most of you reading this are upset but you are no where near what it actually feels like. I do not want you to know. I'm crying just writing it. It was Love that allowed us to make that decision.

There is so much more to tell. So much more to the feelings. The guilt I struggle with where I cant accept I was her Daddy and I should have been able to save her. I know that's not fair. I genuinely believe there was nothing that was going to save her. I'm also aware I did absolutely everything I could for her. I was exhausted by the end. But that doesn't stop the guilt. That's the tough thing with mental health it's not fair and when you are in those places it's real easy to punish yourself, completely unfairly. I know this, I accept it, but it doesn't stop those thoughts, especially during tough times and as far as I can tell this is the worst time, at least I have been through, since she died.

I want to tell you all about it. Everything. I want the world to know how shit it is and yet how so many people do wonderful things to help you and how they are probably under valued. I want the world to understand so more can be done to stop it from happening and I want to tell you about it so any other poor Dad who sees it might realize they can get through it too. We don't talk about it openly enough. So, how are people expected to understand.

I'm just not sure I can just yet.

I'm also not sure what the point of this piece is to be honest. This is what it is and this is how it is I guess. Really, it's definitely not a cry for help. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I am coping and I will cope and we will get through this weekend. At the very least this is the last of the things we have to do for the first time, and the first time is always the hardest time.

You might hear from me over the next few days, you might not. Where ever you are though. Think of our little bing bong and please do something kind for someone if you can.