One of those not so good days

Today was one of those not so good days.

I'm becoming much more aware of my mental health and giving myself a time out when needed. I'm sure Kate is the same. I try to be positive and keep a forward outlook but sometimes its tough. That dark cloud descends and there is not a great deal you can do about it. This isn't a plea for help, i'm okay. I know it's perfectly fine to feel down some days. I know what its like now and I set about trying to shake it but never exhausting myself in doing so. Tomorrow will be a different day and we'll get through this one. Before Hannah was diagnosed I had never experienced anything like this. It's given me a new found appreciation for those who really struggle. It must be exhausting to carry that cloud daily and never be able to shake it off. I picture these days like a head cold, I know it'll pass. To suffer this all the time must be like a Cancer, if that's you, please talk to someone and let them know.

For me I think tiredness can be a trigger but sometimes life just gets to you and there isn't a great deal you can do about it.

I have been away on my first work trip on my own since everything happened. It wasn't a long one, just a couple of days for meetings and a fairly simple dip of my toes back into it. I headed out to Denver on Monday morning and arrived home late last night (Wednesday). I didn't sleep too good on Sunday night or Monday and I was up too early on Tuesday. I had a webinar to present and it had landed on me a little last minute so I was under a bit of pressure to refine it and I also got hit by the Denver altitude. I've never experienced anything like that before, a solid head ache and an over all lousy feeling. Anyway, the webinar went okay and the meeting went well and its always nice to get out and see colleagues when you mostly work from home.

I woke up this morning a little tired, checked my phone, and saw a message from my dad. "Can you call me" it said. Now, sure, I can no worries, but texts like that invariably make you jump to bad conclusions. I dragged myself out of bed and noticed Nora had at some point sneaked into our bed in the night. I smiled and watched her sleeping a second before going off to deal with Dad. Hannah used to do this all the time and I thought about those memories. The call was nothing devastating as usual. Mum wants to read some of my post about my Grandad at his funeral on Monday and they wanted me to email it to them so they can print it off. I said sure and said goodbye and then as I slowly came round I realized how daft a request it was. He could just print off the web page, copy and paste the text into a word doc and print it, or copy it himself into an email, they could even just load the page on their phone. Regardless, i'll copy the text and email it to them. (At least I wont embarrass them by writing about it on the internet)

Then I looked at my phone again and in the family group texts Mum had sent a link from Instagram. When I wrote last week about Grandad I said how he was an integral part of TS Iron Duke or the Huyton Sea Cadets. They had posted a picture of him and details of his funeral and some lovely words. Then I scrolled down and saw little tributes people had posted and their fond memories of him. Kate had risen from bed at this point and Nora bounced in. I showed her and she saw I was a little upset and we had a little cuddle.

Then Google had their little moment as one of those 'Relive this day in 2017' links popped up. I like these little reminder things but I know we were in the thick of Protons at that point. Still I looked at the post and went through the pictures. Sure enough, we were at the Proton center. There are pictures of us doing a jigsaw while Hannah was having treatment. She was being anesthetized at this stage so it was a long process and we'd wait a couple of hours for her some days. As I scrolled down there were pictures of us going for a walk and I had a sad thought about how she struggled to walk after the new year. Then some pictures of us out for dinner eating pizza. She was still on steroids at this point and those steroid munchies were crazy, she would eat and eat and eat. It all ended with photos of us at Ronald Macdonald House and the girls eating ice cream. There were also a few little videos but I didn't click on those. I hesitated and thought about it for a while but I knew where my mood was going and as much as I wanted to hear her voice and watch the inevitable silliness I passed. Still this decision didn't come without a pang of guilt. Cant really win I guess.

Kate was in a similar frame of mind. The pressure of me heading out for work is the same for her. I saw she was looking at pictures and the inevitable tears that follow. We had a little cuddle and looked at a few but I was going to try and snap out of it.

This all leads to what I guess I can only describe as a dark cloud that seems to follow you around all day. It doesn't hurt but it doesn't go away either. I know what its like now and I wanted to snap out of it. I started to do some work and logged into Spotify. When i'm like this my go to is Jason Isbell and I put some of my favorites of his on shuffle but it wasn't really working. There is a song on his latest album called 'Something to Love' and is definitely about his Daughter. Jason is a story teller and his words are often gripping, full of honestly, and quite often with under tones of hope. I love it's message and I first listened to the album while we were at Protons. It's one of those songs where she is there when I listen to it and it warms me but even that wasn't shaking the cloud. I actually talked to Hannah about it on the roof of Ronald Macdonald House one evening. I didn't need anything from her other than her being happy. I also picked up my guitar (very questionable ability) and played along for a few minutes to see if that would help but it didn't.

I went to see what Nora was up to and she was her usual destructive self, bouncing here there and everywhere. Spilling drinks, spilling food and generally just creating a mess. It's incredible how much mess a two year old can make. We had a 'snuggle' and watched a few minutes of Tinkerbell together. The trouble is we've seen them all before with Hannah and so you think about that too and the cloud just surrounds you almost nodding away in contentment at your sad mood. So we decided to go swim and get outside in the sunshine. It was fun, Nora loves the water and we enjoyed the hour before she announced she needed a poop and it was time to depart. Still the cloud was there as I missed sharing the pool with Hannah.

We then spoke to my Mum who was at my Nan's with my Niece. Honestly, they grow so fast. She was being really funny and Kate and I looked at each other and commented how different she sounded, as if she'd grown up several years over the last few weeks. Then we kept the stare at each other, I was thinking of Hannah and I know Kate was too. The cloud just nodded again. My folks are coming to visit next week and bringing my Niece with them, I honestly cant wait to give her the biggest cuddle.

After that I gave up trying to shake it off. It's one of those days and I cant fight it. I sat down and started writing this. I did stop at one point and looked at Kate's google photos. That set me off. I watched some videos of Hannah and listened with my heart full at her voice and watched her silliness. I was full of tears, its amazing how these things fill your heart and crush you all at the same time. One day I will be able to watch them and not cry and just smile with pride. That I guarantee.

But, God, I miss her. What I wouldn't give up on one of these days just for five tiny little minutes more. To just sit and listen to a song of love and hope and listen to her sing along. Days like today just seem so unfair.

I don't have too many days like today but sometimes you just cant fight them. Just make it through to the end and have comfort tomorrow is a new day. The sunshine will be out again and i'll hopefully feel better than today. We've opened a bottle of wine, ordered a Chinese take out and Jason Isbell is on in the back ground again and I'm already starting to feel a little better.

Our very wonderful friends Matt and Rach gave us a frame with pictures of our times together and the kids. In the frame Matt added a song lyric and I think of that on days like today.

"Your memory is the sunshine every new day brings"

See you tomorrow.