Over burning and my mental health

This is another post about mental health, or more specifically mine.

I've had a busy few weeks. Well, a busy few months in all honesty but the last few weeks even more so. There was a big Radiation Oncology conference I attended with work but it required a fair amount of prep work ahead of time and a ton of work while there. It's good though, I watched people present some of our work and to see clinical people talking about the benefits to patients is very uplifting. But, its hard work. You are constantly on the go and then out of an evening, mostly catching up with colleagues and friends, quite often being pulled into conversations with users. I'm lucky I work with some amazing people and I could tell they were looking out for me, obviously conscious of how I was holding up. For the most part I was fine. I took a few early nights, unheard of in days gone by, and tried to keep my exertions as low as I could.

Mentally it was draining though. Not even just the work part. It's not easy being surrounded by Cancer quite so much. I met new people and they asked about my family and stuff and I've already written about that. Then friends asking how we are and giving me those kind caring sympathetic eyes. Even people telling me how incredible we all are and how sorry they are about everything. I'm not complaining - I absolutely appreciate it and these people are all lovely and I really enjoy seeing them all. I guess kindness sometimes comes at a small cost and on top of everything else it added to the burden.

The last night I was exhausted and went to bed early and the following day I was shooting straight off home. It was Nora's Birthday and I was desperate to get home. My flight was delayed meaning I had a sprint through Houston airport and really, really regretted the two beers I had in San Antonio before my flight. I made it by mere seconds and I was that sweaty mess walking on the plane you quite often see in the States. Still, it was worth the effort to get home but I have to do something about getting into shape - or rather getting out of this shape! I got home just after midnight and a very excited little girl was still awake to greet me. It made that sprint all the more worthwhile - i'd been out of town for a whole week and was very glad to be home.

I've already written about tiredness being a trigger for dark days for me and I think I definitely over did it - or maybe I have been over doing it these last few months. Either way lots of things caught up with me and the last few days have probably been the worst I have felt since we lost Hannah.

I can tell when Kate isn't doing good because she gets snappy and short fused and she was having a rough few days too. As hard as it is for me to be out of town working I think its quite often worse for her having to stay home. Anyway, normally its fine but I was tired and started snapping back and then all this ended with my mood dropping significantly and those dark storm clouds descending.

Thursday was the day I really felt it. I'm not sure how to describe it to be honest. I just feel low and drained and it changes throughout the day. One minute i'm able and capable and the next I just want to lie in bed and do absolutely nothing. It feels totally suffocating. Almost like someone is pushing on my shoulders and restricting me from functioning. My mind went to dark places and I ran through a full repertoire of memories and for the first time I felt really, really angry. I had this absolute sense of disbelief at all we have gone through and I've not had that before. I mean how in the hell has all this happened - it all suddenly feels very real but also with a sense this is still an incredibly bad dream. Then my Sister posted a picture of my Niece posing with a picture of Kate, Hannah and I because she wanted a picture with Hannah and for the very first time I felt like I couldn't deal with any of it.

I remember feeling as though I wanted to be one of those toys in Toy Story in the toy store, just watching the world go by and never actually engaging. All those Buzz Lightyears just sitting there. Crazy right? I guess I over think sometimes and I try and find ways to explain or define how i'm feeling. I'm not sure why the hell I thought of Toy Story and i'm not sure I want to either.

We went out for some dinner on the Friday to a nice place just off the bay in Tampa. Sitting outside in the sun shine next to the ocean would snap me out of it. But, Kate was still snappy and I was now very much snappy and none of that was in anyway productive to my mood. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to go home and get in bed.

Our friends were having a Halloween part on Saturday but there was no way we were going. Kate didn't want to go and neither did I. I was in no mood for a party and certainly in no mood for Halloween. We should be excited about it but it just made me angry to think about it. Hannah had just finished a round of chemo last year and she was drained and struggled to keep up with everyone and it was heartbreaking to see. Nora is still too small for Halloween so for this year it can just skip me right by - I'm not interested.

See all of this is really not me. I was low, tired, drained, suffocated and all in all quite honestly struggling to get through the day. I know its ok to feel this way. I try to fight it and I set about doing that but I try not to beat myself up about it. When you think of it logically we are probably still in shock, we are absolutely in the depths of grief, and neither Kate nor I are anywhere near the same mentally healthy people we were two years ago. I don't mean that in a negative way it's just the facts of the situation, so when I get like this, and its not too often, I just remind myself tomorrow is a new day and chances are I'll feel better. Sounds simple when I write it like that. Its not in anyway simple and its not easy.

Anyway, I set about trying to snap out of it. I listened to music. I played my guitar. I took Nora to the park. I went mountain biking with friends - my new found love. Everything that I love doing and usually snaps my moods I tried. Biking helped some. Exercise clears my head and being out doors is great. I was getting into shape before we went home to help my family with my sister and hopefully getting back into regular exercise will help me. I think it was helping keep my head clear. Anyway this time none of it worked.

I have longed for Hannah these past days. Really, really missed her. I have had crazy thoughts about SciFi films of alternate dimensions and thought about us all still together as our happy family somewhere else. I fantasied about how I maybe one day we could figure out how to slip between dimensions and I replayed a ton of memories in my head - some good - lots sad. There are pictures of her on the fridge and even trips there were difficult.

So I did the thing i'm some times terrified to do. I wanted to hear here voice and I wanted to see her. Honestly, I wish looking at videos and pictures was easier but its not. It's draining. It lifts me and breaks me all at the same time. I have to have a certain amount of courage to even watch videos of my baby, isn't that crazy. I love it, but its so hard. They always make me smile but I still cant watch any of them without crying - I cant even fight the tears, they just fall out of me. I was cutting some onions the other day and they were strong as hell and my eyes were watering and it's a bit like that. Just a stream of tears you cant stop.

I watched one particular video from my Birthday in 2017, a few months before our nightmare started. I was looking for something like this - In all honestly I was absolutely desperate to hear her say 'I love you Daddy' but I couldn't find one like that. In this video she was talking about my Birthday as if she was a news reporter. She was so funny and bubbly and this was no different. I had clearly been on the beers as I was slurring my words a little. But away she went and I laughed and I smiled and I wiped up my tears.

Then towards the end she lit up and said, 'My Daddy is the best' and I lost it.

I must have rewound that little section a hundred times. I sobbed and cried and just kept doing it. Then a weird thing happened. I had this intense guilt rip through me and I questioned whether I was, was I really a good Daddy. I know, I know, I know. Its daft. It's a crazy thing to actually write never mind to think it. It's not true but in that moment that's how I felt. I mean I know some absolute gob shitse of fathers and yet here I was questioning myself. That was where my mind was at, how low I was, and even watching this lovely video, mentally I set about punishing myself. I'm obviously feeling better now but how crazy we do that to ourselves. I just makes me despair for people who feel low on a constant basis and how much their minds must punish themselves.

That was about as low as I've been. I took some Advil PM - its a ibuprofen with a sleeping aid- and forced myself to have a good nights sleep. Kate said I have been having some crazy dreams and been disturbed at night - no clue on that but i'll take her word for it. Even if she does lie about me snoring.

Sleep has helped and I feel better. The cloud is still there in the back ground, I feel it but its not bothering me and i'm winning again. I've been biking again today and i'm sleeping well again and I feel i'm on top of everything. I'm actually heading to North Carolina at the weekend for a mountain biking trip and i'm really looking forward to that. A few days ago I actually questioned whether I wanted to go at all so i'm back on decent form.

Being able to write this has helped. I had a little tear at the same part you probably did reading it. But now i'm at the end I actually feel better for getting it all out there.

I can tell when i'm feeling better because I want to do things I love to do. I want to play my guitar. I want to listen to my music and I want to get out on the bike. Funny how that is to be honest. I guess that can be a barometer of where I am at mentally.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is to be honest. I guess I need to be more aware of my capacity while we navigate this period of our lives. I need to keep up on sleep for sure and we need to fill our time with things that make us happy. If you feel low at times I hope you find a way for the sun to break those clouds. If you don't please tell someone about it.

Stay safe x