Precious little memories

We got Married in early October in 2013. It was at one of those beautiful country houses surrounded by the beautiful hills of Sheffield and Barnsley in the UK. We were together for a good while before this and at this point Hannah was a bright, bubbly and a very much independent 3 year old. I have several great memories of the day although being completely honest the memories get a little less frequent and certainly much hazier as the day goes on. I love a good Wedding, what could possibly be better than dining on your friends happiness and partying the day and night away with them. Our Wedding was particularly emotional as we were moving to Canada roughly ten days later so it would be the last time for a while we would see a lot of our family and friends.

There's a lot I could tell you about the day but I want to tell you about one memory in particular that stuck with me that day and is something I think about multiple times every single day.

There is only one time in my life where a girl has made my heart skip a beat and it happened on this day. Now I love my wife and like many of my Friends I am punching way above my weight. Truly, she is the third most beautiful girl I have ever seen and honestly on this day she looked absolutely incredible. Especially in her gorgeous dress and for sure she sent my heart rate racing when I saw her. But she wasn't the one who caused it to literally stop and then restart.

I'll never forget it, or at least I hope I never do. The sun was shining and I was just hanging outside the room where we would be Married. There were patio doors open out to the gardens and then two big brown doors through to the main part of the house. Lots of our friends where hanging around by this point as we were in the final half hour before kick off. I was just talking to friends and catching up as we hadn't seen some of them for quite a while. It was like a scene from a movie. The two doors opened as the light beamed through the patio doors and there was the most incredible sight I've ever seen in my life.

This little thing was stood looking around with this beautiful confused look, as if she couldn't quite figure out what was going on. She had this unsure nervousness about her. She had her hair done, it was straight with little curls just to her shoulders and she had a white head band with a little butterfly on top that matched her beautiful white dress.

I swear time stood still, it honestly could have been minutes, as I took in the sight of this little thing, and I swear my heart did not beat once. Eventually she slowly turned to look around the room and her eyes caught mine and her face beamed the biggest smile I've ever seen as she ran towards me and shouted with joy, "Daddy". I bent down and gave her the biggest hug and kiss and slowly wiped away the tear I had in the hopes that no one saw me - I didn't quite express my emotions the same in those days. Hannah had the most beautiful smile. Her mouth would turn up at the edges so even when she was sleeping or concentrating, or even if she had a stern look, she would always look like she was smiling and happy.

I'm telling you this because I have clung on to this memory more than anything else. I have prioritized it more than anything else and so I think about it so many times a day. This started while we were on treatment. You stay as positive as you can but there is always a dark side of you that always screams what if. To be completely honest it wasn't that long into our time where those 'what if's' became something we were forced to face. So I would replay it over and over and over in my head. I'm so scared of losing it that it's almost become a little obsession of mine. In fact its so visual now I feel like I am actually there some days.

I hadn't told anyone about this and I had planned to tell her this story on her own wedding day as a little surprise. I knew there would never be a boy or girl who would match up to my high standards, especially for my little bing bong, but I also knew if she inherited even half of my stubbornness it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. See you all think about these things, you wonder what they are going to look like. You secretly hope they look a little more like their Mum and you allow fantasies of their wedding days, sixteenth Birthdays, graduations and all the little life milestones. I guess we now have to wonder what all these things would have been like and these are the milestones we'll nervously head towards wondering how we will cope in the future.

I know this is very much a happy but incredibly sad story. I did manage to tell her. I told her the whole thing in the hours before we lost her, we knew by this point and I wanted to make sure I told her. She was in bed and with her oxygen running, and she turned and beamed a big smile at me and her eyes sparkled as I told her she was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. He smile wasn't quite the same due to her disease but it was no less glorious all the same.

This is my one precious memory I hold way more than others. I'm sometimes scared to think of too many other things just in case I forget a minor detail in a memory that I have made so vivid. At least now I have written it down someone can always remind me of it.

Regardless, it would have been worse had I not told her and i'm happy that of all the stories we ever read to her, or told her, my personal favourite was the last one. The most Princess'y of all Princess stories.